Interview: Natasha Kuzmina, « I’m a big fan of relationships » 

Natasha already knew at age 14, monogamy wasn’t for them. They had questions, craved answers, and felt unfit in a Ukrainian society that still rejects same-sex marriage and represses kink under ‘debauchery’ laws. Natasha today lives in Berlin and is a learned practitioner of kink, pleasure empowerment and polyamory, the infinite constellations of which they tirelessly explore, teaching, blogging, and redefining their own queer identity along the way.

How did you become familiar with polyamory? Were you ‘born’ into it?

Not at all. I was born in Crimea to very conventional surroundings. I actually started with monogamic relationships when I was 12 – I fell in love with a boy of 14, and we stayed together for 6 years. I remember how ridiculous it felt to me that I wasn’t allowed to kiss or have sex with anyone else. I was like, I love you and I will still love you if I date other people’. It was so clear for me. But my boyfriend was so offended by the idea, that I dropped it. I felt that something was wrong with me. So for many years, I tried to perform my role. But I wasn’t happy.  

How did you finally break out of the mold? 

For me, it was a choice between “betraying my partner” and “betraying myself". I wanted to explore the world! But it was a slow journey:  from this big dream of being together until we die, to cheating and feeling guilty — and scared that my partner will figure it out and I will lose him, to serial monogamy with no cheating, but with very little joy. My libido almost died, because of that pressure to serve sex for my partners – not that they forced me, but that’s what I knew. But when I moved from Kyiv to Kharkiv, I started telling everyone that from now on, I'm not doing monogamous relationships anymore. I'm polyamorous!

What happened, how did you make the jump?

In Kyiv at a body-related workshop I met someone with whom I immediately had a beautiful connection. After the event, we were walking down the street holding hands and sharing about life, when he mentioned his wife. I was shocked: What?? He’s openly flirting with me and he has a wife? But then he explained they were both polyamorous and the whole concept. And I was like, wow, it's possible! Crazy! And then I read The Ethical Slut – the only book on the topic that was available in Russian back then: I was crying at the realisation that I was not alone in the world!

How were your first steps in the poly/kinky world?

I had shitty experiences in the beginning because I had no clue, especially when I involved myself with BDSM. I was curious but didn’t know anything about consent or boundaries, and there were no workshops I knew of or books I could read because I didn't know English back then. But a guy I was dating offered to initiate me to BDSM, and I hoped he would be a good mentor. But in the end he just abused me. Looking back, It was close to rape what actually happened, the worst possible way to enter the scene!

This traumatic experience didn't put you off? 

No, no. I just wish I had the resources back then to learn how to feel and express my boundaries. Just imagine if I lived in Berlin, I could have asked all the questions. Instead it took me years and years to actually understand something that right now I could explain to myself in three hours. So when the war broke out, and I decided to leave Ukraine,Berlin was the obvious choice. I always thought, one day I want to come here and explore. 

Where are you today regarding poly relationships? 

I started with polyamory – playing with other people while trying to build some relationships, until I met Seryozha four and a half years ago in Kharkiv who became my partner. Together we practiced  “hierarchical polyamory”, me and Seryozha on top of the pyramid, and then “non-hierarchical polyamory”, where no one has veto power anymore, and we try to have agreements equally with each person we meet. Today I’m exploring “relationship anarchy”.

“Relationship anarchy” ?

The idea is that the non-hierarchical structure isn’t limited to romantically-involved partners — but to all our partners at large. In our culture we internalise that romantic relationships are more important than, say friendship, so dating means you spend less time with your friends and they’re supposed to accept that they have less priority now. So, we step out of this “relationship escalator”, and rethink relationships based on how much time we actually spend together – dating, having online-sex, creating or playing games together... there’s no hierarchy and every connection can be important, 

Is Jealousy a big topic? 

Yes, jealousy is quite often the biggest topic. The thing is, jealousy isn’t one, primary emotion but a social construct of other primary emotions like fear, sadness, or anger. It’s hard to disentangle.The last time I felt it was when Seryozha moved in with his girlfriend in Kyiv. We discussed it, very openly. Ultimately the question is: are you willing to let the other have their life? People who are not into poly would say, you're with someone else, I feel jealous, so we break up. Which is kind of sad. 

At which point would you consider it’s time to break up?

Quite often it's not really necessary to break up. Because if you drop the “relationship escalator”, then you realise everything is very negotiable. The only reason I’d break up is if I felt betrayal –  which for me means that our agreement was ruined and I don't feel safe and respected anymore. This actually never happened. Often, we just start meeting less and less and some people end up vanishing out of my map. 

Recently you switched to non-binary. What made you redefine your gender?

Two years ago I realised I was in love with a trans person. It started the process of redefining my sexuality and a bit later also my gender and all the social conditioning that came with “being a woman” – looking pretty, behaving in a way that guys like me…  It’s a role I performed very well for 27 years without questioning it. Then reading Queer A Graphic History and it, I was blown away how everything is connected. So I see stepping out of the binary system as a chance to move closer to my true self, you know, unlearning the woman role, and unlocking the masculine part in me.  It’s a path I want to explore. But it’s still very new to me, A big jump. 

Now you dropped your long blond hair and feminine looks for your current colourful shaved-head queer persona, are people reacting to you in a different way?

Definitely. When I cut my hair, I immediately felt some people stopped having interest in me. I’ve had zero catcalling since then, which is amazing! It's just that funny: I’m the  same person, but the way people perceive me is completely different. I just don't want to perform femininity anymore. I've stopped wearing skirts. I don't wear dresses. I just don't feel like it anymore.

Final words on relationships? What did you learn?

Relationships are so interesting! It's like something I'm doing all the time. I’m a real relationship enthusiast ! I just love people and I'm so curious about the kind of energy that will arise from each connection! Over time I learned to let go and follow my intuition – to be fully open and receptive to what is actually happening in the moment. Because in this world everything is changing all the time. We don't really have control. It's endless learning!

Interview by Nadja Vancauwenberghe

Poly in 5 books (Natasha’s reading tips) 

1. Stepping out of the Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran – I’m reading it now, I would recommend it very much
2. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy by Jessica Fern
3. Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships by Jessica Fern
4. Queer A Graphic History by Meg-John Barker 
5. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton und Janet W. Hardy – it a bit old but a classic, it changed my life.